I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.