They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
eggs benadryl
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
thanksgiving should be called feaster
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait