@TheCatWhisprer

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

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@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@River_Niles

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

@sammyrhodes

No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.

@alexlumaga

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@rcromwell4

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.