They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]