they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
the icebreaker
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them