they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am