They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia