Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The Moon: [swipes left]
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”