They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
next question.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.