They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours