they see me scrollin
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer