@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

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@DLin71

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@DanKCharnley

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

@leehopkins

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

@flashember

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite