They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
A friend helps you before you need it
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I wanna be friends with this person
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else