@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

You Might Also Like

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@krisv_723

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.

@DuckhouseMedia

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

@NewDadNotes

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

@Ali_Kourani

“Are you sexually active?”
[Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.]
“Yes.”

@Ygrene

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

@sickipediabot

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”