I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“Are you sexually active?”
[Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.]
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Brain: not like last time
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.
Anyway, enough about her…
…back to drum practice.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”