The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time
A librarian with a sense of humour…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!