TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite