[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.