they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing