Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
You Might Also Like
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?