Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”
“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.