@asaltiercorpse

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

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@outsidemagazine

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”

@roxaroodw

Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@eerrriiicaa

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@DothTheDoth

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.