@asaltiercorpse

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

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@Henry_3k

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

@

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@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

@sixfootcandy

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.