They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.