After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.