They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
real
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I have no passwords left in me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.