If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Perfect.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though