They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.