When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
You Might Also Like
Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
him: what are you going to be for halloween?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.