@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

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@DontTouchMyWine

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no

@AnitaHelmet

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

@TribalSpaceCat

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?