Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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If you run out of toilet paper just use your 2020 Day Planner.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?
[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?