They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Home #decor warning.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
This 4th of July, please remember…
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.