They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You Might Also Like
worst…sale…ever
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am