They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

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or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller


I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁


Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.


[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*


My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.


[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?


Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.


Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party