@owlbacon

They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

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@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@weinerdog4life

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@KalvinMacleod

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

@3sunzzz

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@anerdonfire2

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party