my retirement plan is braless
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
🤣could you imagine
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding