(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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ME: I have so many questions
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Then she said I looked fat.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.