They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

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(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one


ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth


Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away


Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.


i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier


“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile


It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.


*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house


Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.