@JPHaddadio

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

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@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@AZHORSEMOM77

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

@inmynewskin

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@Vodkantots

It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.

@nbadag

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

@skittle624

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.