They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
No chill.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean