They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?


Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise


My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.


A friend of mine in California manages a business that lets “influencers” sit on a parked jet and take pictures, so they can pretend they’re flying private.

He’s completely booked solid for the next 3 months. He said the clients are some of the most famous celebs on earth.


ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.


My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.

Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though