They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

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Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?

Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?


I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.


I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.


I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.


I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.


I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.