They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Ironic
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.