They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities