They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Banderslack Clamberdorch
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*jingles half the way*