They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Whoa 😂
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?