The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday