Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Thoughts
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.