“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
#inspiration #foodforthought
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry