man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.