They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.