They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15