They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Coffee is ready.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
excuse me
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see