Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Fight
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.