They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.