I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
You Might Also Like
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.