“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go