If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
The Others (2001)
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.