Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?