“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Festive toon…
constantly working on myself.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”