“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

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Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. – bob marley


I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.


Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.


[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping


FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.


2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad


wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat


Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.