They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father