They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?


SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it


*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]


*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend


I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.


I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.


Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.


My 8yo in the car today: “Do you want me to throw the confetti in my pocket?”
Me: “No not in the car! – why do you have confetti in your pocket?”
8yo: “It’s my emergency confetti, I carry it everywhere in case there is good news.”


My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.


A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”