@Rollinintheseat

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

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@ericsshadow

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

@ItsAndyRyan

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

@panmidwest

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@lasergirl70

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@JaySuch

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.