@Rollinintheseat

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

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@TheToddWilliams

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@ddsmidt

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@CommonSavant

I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.

@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

@annastayshaa

My 8yo in the car today: “Do you want me to throw the confetti in my pocket?”
Me: “No not in the car! – why do you have confetti in your pocket?”
8yo: “It’s my emergency confetti, I carry it everywhere in case there is good news.”

@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”