They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.