They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

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Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?


The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired


ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”


Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!


Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.


Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it