@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

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@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@Jake_Vig

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

@3sunzzz

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@WildeThingy

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

@shutupmikeginn

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it