They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
liiiiiiiiike
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.