They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”


[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”


I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.


Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.


“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26


Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]


[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]

ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day

ME: That’s still not ironic

ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant

ME: Nope, that’s not a thing

ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349

ME: Are you even trying anymore


You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…


Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”