They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.