They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.


Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.


I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.


Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.


I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.


KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed


“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.