“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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Sooo many times…..
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
every college guy’s fridge
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.