“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
You Might Also Like
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299