They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Perfection.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
im 7 sauces long
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.