Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.
It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.