@WoodyLuvsCoffee

They’re stuck in your pants?

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@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@difficultpatty

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

@DaHess1

Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.

@Diversion50

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@TheAlexNevil

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@CodyJP9412

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.